Spoke 9: Asking the hard questions

Olivia Graziano pedals between doubt and conviction on a journey across the Americas

A spoke is a little metal rod connecting the centre of a wheel to its outer edge. There are 32 such spokes in the rims of my Brother Mehteh.

A Spoke is a guest writer on 10,000km Arriba. One day I will publish a collection of Spokes: 32 voices, 32 stories.

Olivia is the 9th Spoke to be featured. This week, she takes you into the mind of a transcontinental traveller.

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Someone asked me recently, what do you think about while you’re on the bike?

Some days, if the road is particularly difficult I can think about nothing except the essentials. I become single track focused on food, water, and finding a place to sleep before dark. But if the road is smooth and supplies are plentiful, I can relax more and let my mind wander.

Lately I have been thinking about what I’ll do career wise after the bike trip. I imagine trying to explain the awkward gap in my resume to the interviewer, “Oh I just rode a bicycle through two continents instead of working on my career. But I assure you what I lack in professional skills I make up in wit and life experience!”

Other times I think imagine what it will be like to finally cross the border into the USA. The unfriendly border agent will furl his brow and check my panniers for drugs.

“Where did you say you were coming from?”

“All the way from fucking Argentina!”

What a weird conversation that will be…

Sometimes I try to be completely and fully present. I trace the landscape and memorize the contours of the mountains around me. By now, I’ve cycled through nearly every type of environment – alpine, desert, grassland, and rainforest. All of them uniquely beautiful in their own way. I listen to the hum of birds and insects. The fragrance of the pine trees reminds me of Colorado.

On longer and empty stretches of road and when I’ve ran out of podcasts to listen to, the loneliness settles in. I look around me realizing there’s not a person around that I really know for hundreds, if not thousands of miles. Devoid of external stimulation to numb this uncomfortable feeling, I can do nothing but sit there with my thoughts. My mind races in circles, overthinking everything I’ve ever done. I start to doubt my choice to do this trip and if I’m capable of finishing it.

I always look forward to bigger cities where I can socialize with other travellers and relax for a few days off the bike. I have met so many amazing people along my journey whom I’ve really connected with, some of those I still keep in touch with. In a hostel, it’s so easy to turn strangers into friends; the near certain knowledge that neither of you will ever see each other again allows for the conversation to flow more uninhibitedly. The kind of vulnerability would be taboo in normal life, especially to someone you met a few hours ago.

We’ve climbed mountains, dined on the best steak and Argentinian wine, and stayed up late talking about our lived experiences, philosophy, and the future. Each time we had to part ways it was sad to not know when you’ll see each other again. Constantly saying goodbye over the past year has left me wanting some consistency; having people around that truly know me and not having to explain who I am and what I’m doing all over again.

I wrote this in my journey recently :

Who am I? I mean who are you really, when no one is looking? What do I want to prioritize in life? What kind of person do I want to be? What kind of person do I want to be with ?

What am I ashamed of? Why do you repeat the same patterns of behaviour again and again? Why am I so disconnected with my emotions? Have I always been like this? What happened to me? More importantly, how can I find the way back to myself?

I don’t want to shy away from these hard questions, I want to confront them. This trip is about separating who I thought I was and who I really am. Learning to be kind to myself and allow space for forgiveness of the many mistakes I’ve made. To return home and look at life again with open eyes.

Olivia is on a passionate mission to document the lives of others. She is currently completing a very long bike ride from Patagonia to Colorado. Her Instagram is full of incredible photos of this spectacular journey North. @la.olivia

You can also follow her blog on Medium Olivia Graziano.

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Not too much, not too little, just enough to make you want to sell everything you own and hit the road.

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Guest writers Season 1

A series of richly detailed two-wheel tales concerning love, identity, health, history and joy.

Spoke 1: The stuff we’re made of by Zael Ligertwood

Spoke 2: Ultraviolet Summer by Jack McKeever

Spoke 3: Back to life, back to reality by Alison Blofeld

Spoke 4: Revisiting the Past, Finding the Present, Looking Towards the Future by Glen Goodnough

Spoke 5: Retracing my great-grandfather's final flight on two wheels by James Forsey

Spoke 6: Understanding and loving your cycle by Maud Jansen

Spoke 7: Alpha 106, copied, over. by Rodrigo Tardito

Spoke 8: Traversée des Pyrénées á Vélo by Bella Molloy

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Previous guest writer feature

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A call for writers

If you’d like to guest write on 10,000km Arriba, you’d be most welcome.

You can write about any bike experience, whether a short or long trip, a chronic cycling addiction, or simply a moment on two wheels that you deeply cherish.

Let me know in the comments.